Monday, December 26, 2011

More Coffee, Please...

I've had a bit of writers' block lately...nothing I think of seems to strike me as worthy enough to share with the world, when in all actuality, my life would make one hell of a movie. It would be an epic Peter Jackson eight-part mini-series filled with drama, intrigue, suspense, drunken debauchery and it wouldn't be complete without plenty of despair and self-loathing. I had originally decided to start documenting some of the experiences I've had that others may find interesting (thanks, Patrick, for pushing me to do that) so that my life and the things that happen in it may bring humor to others. If I had to actually document all of them...the interwebs would collapse into a big black hole like I just divided by zero or something like that.  It's evolved into so much more than that for me...it's now an outlet for me to document some of the innermost feelings I have and allows me to share them with other people without actually 'sharing' them with anyone at all.

For those just joining us, I hate feelings. I hate talking about them, I hate thinking about them, I hate thinking about talking about them, and I abso-FUCKING-lutely hate that they get the best of me sometimes and the quality of my life is worse because of it. Well, most of the time. But...I deal with it. And lately, I've actually been pretty good at sharing some of those feelings with those close to me. I've told people things that never in a million years would I think I would have the strength or courage to tell anyone...and lo and behold, it felt good. It actually DOES feel good to share deeply personal things with people you care about; people you know will understand exactly where you're coming from and have quite possibly had or are having those same feelings themselves. There is a sense of...how shall I put this...self accomplishment in letting something out, whether it's good or bad, and knowing that it no longer has the same power over you as it used to. Yeah, sometimes it sucks that you have to think about it first before you talk about it, and honestly, that's the hardest part of all, but once it's done...it's done. You can begin to breathe a sigh of relief and smile a little. You can begin to live just a liiiiiitle bit better and move on.

There are also sometimes when it's better that we (I say 'we' but I really mean 'I') just keep our goddamn mouth shut and bottle those feelings up because to not do so at that particular time and place would shoot ourselves in the foot and probably do more harm than good. There is a time and a place for us to say anything and everything, but we have to practice discretion in choosing JUST the right time and place for some of those things to come out into plain view. When it's the right time, we know. It may be weeks, months, or even years or decades before that time comes, but when it does, we just know. It's part of being human. Part of what sets us aside from every other species on the planet. That and opposable thumbs. But anyways, I digress. Knowing the *exact* time and place to say something to someone and not end up in a bigger hole than you started in takes a LOT of thought and a hint of luck. After all, it's not just you...there is another person involved in this as well. If I'm talking to one of my kitchen chairs, then hey...who gives a flying fuck WHAT I'm talking about, right? But when I'm talking to another person...I have to tread lightly. No exceptions. Others have feelings as well, and those need to be taken into consideration. No exceptions there either.

Along with feelings that we are able to express in words and actually share with other people, there are emotions attached. Emotions that can be expressed without saying a single word. Emotions that can be expressed in an infinite amount of ways. Whether it's tone of voice, body language (both of which can be shown and heard in SO many ways), or whatever...most of the time you can say EXACTLY what you want to anyone without saying a single word. For example...when I get a text message from someone that simply says ":-*", I know exactly what that means and it just makes me melt inside thinking about the meaning behind it. It's not a word, it's not an action, nor anything in between. It's 1s and 0s put together in a certain way to convey an emotion that someone wishes to express to me. It's just...yeah. It's just awesome =).

MY emotions...ha. I've been an emotional train wreck lately as anyone in my general vicinity will tell you. Many reasons...some good, some bad. I've learned a lot about myself lately and because of the things I've learned I feel it's made me a better person in some ways. It's a never-ending battle...a lifelong process that will allow me to grow just a little bit more every day. When it's over...then I'll rest. Until then...game on.

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