As a VERY amateur non-fiction writer, I tend to write about the things that are in my life at any particular time because I'm not creative enough to write fiction. My thoughts, my actions...people, places and things around me, among many other things. Some of those things are good, some aren't. Some make me happy, some just plain hurt. As of late I've been dealing with the not good, hurtful feelings and while I've been told I need to maybe let it go and move on, I can't. I feel that injustices have been done and I have gone without answers for far too long.
How is it that some can abandon friendships that were once so beautiful and special...so endearing to one another...and discard them like trash and not think twice about it? Yeah, I'm harping about it again. And yeah, I'm probably going to continue to do so for a while until I learn to let it go. It hurts, to be honest. I'm a rock. I've been a rock. I've stood fast while people have fallen and grabbed my hand to keep from sinking into the abyss. I've shouldered more people than I can count and some that probably didn't even need it and/or deserve it but I did anyways because I'm such a nice fucking guy.
And now...I am the one falling. I am the one who needs help and the ones I wanted the most to help me up when I need it are nowhere to be found. It shakes the foundation of friendship to the very core when this occurs. When I've solved everyone's problems and mine remain...who is there to hold my hand while I heal? Who is there to grab my hand and help me up while I fight the battle inside me to keep it all together? While I walk through HELL and do not falter...who is there to mend my wounds when I come out the other side? Nobody. I have become an outsider...cast aside to walk among the lepers of my society. That's ok...I will adapt and overcome as I always do. But I shouldn't have to do it alone...I didn't let any of you.
I've had to face some hard truths lately as well...truths that I should have realized long ago. Lights fade and new ones come into our lives to replace them. I still have my bouts of happiness...and that's alright. I smile a lot more lately, regardless of the internal strife I battle almost daily. I've been given reason to smile. Yeah, some days I don't want to but now I know I CAN...there's a big difference. One of those lights I mentioned a bit ago...that light gives me reason...gives me purpose.
And some asshole stole my bike, too. That made me angry but I got over it. I don't mind walking too much...until winter hits and then I'll mind it a little more than I do right now. You don't appreciate things until you've gone without them long enough. I've gone without food, water, shelter...I've even burned a bible to keep warm in the winter when all else was gone. I haven't lived a difficult life all the time, but there were times that made it very, very difficult for me to see another tomorrow. When your next meal depends on when they throw out the leftovers at the closest fast food joint...tomorrow isn't a very popular word in your vocabulary. When sleeping on a cold linoleum floor or even in a Dumpster with a lid to keep the wind and snow from chilling you through and through is a luxury, you don't even care about a tomorrow. All you care about is right now. Now may be all you have in spots like those...and for some, tomorrow doesn't come. They lose the battle and succumb to those things which they could not escape.
I've shed my tears for friends I've lost over the years in that way. I will not allow anyone to shed the same tears for me...I refuse to. Like I said...I will adapt and overcome. I am a survivor and I will win...in some ways I already have. I guess even more appropriately...I will not be allowed to lose :). To have a hand to hold, an ear to talk to, and even a shoulder to cry on if I need it...those are life's true luxuries...and for those things I will ALWAYS be grateful.
Thank you for reading.
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