I guess it's obvious...I also like to write.

As a VERY amateur non-fiction writer, I tend to write about the things that are in my life at any particular time because I'm not creative enough to write fiction. My thoughts, my actions...people, places and things around me, among many other things. Some of those things are good, some aren't. Some make me happy, some just plain hurt. As of late I've been dealing with the not good, hurtful feelings and while I've been told I need to maybe let it go and move on, I can't. I feel that injustices have been done and I have gone without answers for far too long.

How is it that some can abandon friendships that were once so beautiful and special...so endearing to one another...and discard them like trash and not think twice about it? Yeah, I'm harping about it again. And yeah, I'm probably going to continue to do so for a while until I learn to let it go. It hurts, to be honest. I'm a rock. I've been a rock. I've stood fast while people have fallen and grabbed my hand to keep from sinking into the abyss. I've shouldered more people than I can count and some that probably didn't even need it and/or deserve it but I did anyways because I'm such a nice fucking guy.

And now...I am the one falling. I am the one who needs help and the ones I wanted the most to help me up when I need it are nowhere to be found. It shakes the foundation of friendship to the very core when this occurs. When I've solved everyone's problems and mine remain...who is there to hold my hand while I heal? Who is there to grab my hand and help me up while I fight the battle inside me to keep it all together? While I walk through HELL and do not falter...who is there to mend my wounds when I come out the other side? Nobody. I have become an outsider...cast aside to walk among the lepers of my society. That's ok...I will adapt and overcome as I always do. But I shouldn't have to do it alone...I didn't let any of you.

I've had to face some hard truths lately as well...truths that I should have realized long ago. Lights fade and new ones come into our lives to replace them. I still have my bouts of happiness...and that's alright. I smile a lot more lately, regardless of the internal strife I battle almost daily. I've been given reason to smile. Yeah, some days I don't want to but now I know I CAN...there's a big difference. One of those lights I mentioned a bit ago...that light gives me reason...gives me purpose.

And some asshole stole my bike, too. That made me angry but I got over it. I don't mind walking too much...until winter hits and then I'll mind it a little more than I do right now. You don't appreciate things until you've gone without them long enough. I've gone without food, water, shelter...I've even burned a bible to keep warm in the winter when all else was gone. I haven't lived a difficult life all the time, but there were times that made it very, very difficult for me to see another tomorrow. When your next meal depends on when they throw out the leftovers at the closest fast food joint...tomorrow isn't a very popular word in your vocabulary. When sleeping on a cold linoleum floor or even in a Dumpster with a lid to keep the wind and snow from chilling you through and through is a luxury, you don't even care about a tomorrow. All you care about is right now. Now may be all you have in spots like those...and for some, tomorrow doesn't come. They lose the battle and succumb to those things which they could not escape.

I've shed my tears for friends I've lost over the years in that way. I will not allow anyone to shed the same tears for me...I refuse to. Like I said...I will adapt and overcome. I am a survivor and I will win...in some ways I already have. I guess even more appropriately...I will not be allowed to lose :). To have a hand to hold, an ear to talk to, and even a shoulder to cry on if I need it...those are life's true luxuries...and for those things I will ALWAYS be grateful.

Thank you for reading.

No More Mr. Nice Guy...

So...yeah. This entry, while being my first mobile entry, will be my last for a while. I know my place. I've been shown my place, rather. I know where I stand with the moral majority and whilst I'm not totally ok with it, I will let it ride. There comes a time when we must let things go, and that time for me is now. True, I don't need to publish this on a public media site to convey my feelings, and I don't care. It makes me feel better and that's all that matters.

At times in my life I haven't exactly been the most pleasant person to be around. I've been an awful friend, a shitty employee, a horrible father and an even worse son. I'm loud, obnoxious, and at times I can be a downright asshole as some of you have seen and experienced first hand. Don't like me anymore? Cool with me. I can live with that. My soul is prepared...how's yours? And yeah, I'm not exactly off the charts in the karma department, but I do what I can when I'm able to. Remember that two or twenty dollars you owe me? When was the last time I asked you about it? I haven't. If I needed it that bad I'd call you out on it. Keep it...in some cases it was a small price to pay for you to leave me alone. I do a lot of nice things for a lot of good people...some appreciate it, and some don't. I'm ok with that too. Like I said...my soul is prepared.

What's the point of this blog entry, even if nobody reads it? To bitch. To piss and moan a little...who the fuck cares? Those whom I love and care about very deeply...you know who you are and I couldn't be who I am today without each and every one of you even if I don't show it regularly. Some of you I don't feel as...grateful for. But I've tried...the good lord knows I've tried. I've done my part. I've welcomed you into my home and told you to make yourself at home as if it was your house too. I've never asked you for compensation or to return the favor in any way. I have witnessed some of you break down and pour your hearts out in front of me and sometimes in my arms as I choked back my own tears to be strong for you.

But now...things have changed. Things that I can't control and I need to accept that and move on. And yes, I am at peace with that. I am resigning from the throne I once sat in as I have been evicted from my rule. Whoever takes my place will have a hell of a pair of shoes to fill.

When the chips fall and they land on your side of the table...don't ask me to help you pick them up. I'll probably tell you to go fuck yourself instead and I won't think twice about doing so.