Am I a loner? I guess you could say I am, in a sense. I'm sure there are many things which contribute to that, and I'm learning about them all the time. It's not like I'm one of those hermits who sells all his worldly possessions and moves off to a little cabin in the woods, miles and miles from civilization or anything like that...yet, anyways. I'm just alone a lot.
Someone special to me pointed that out last night and that's ok, because sometimes I need that and most people are either hesitant or just too afraid to tell me. I've been told more than once that I'm somewhat unapproachable...not entirely untrue, I must admit. I guess you just gotta know the right path to take. But anyways...I wasn't physically alone, as I was surrounded by those close to me, but I felt far away. Something in my head just couldn't let me connect with people. It was like...like I was two different people. One was laughing, playing cards, having a good time...the other was off in a dark forest somewhere. Thinking...contemplating...just being alone. It's hard to describe but that's the best I can do.
When it gets like that, there aren't many people I like to talk to about it. It's not that I need a therapist (or maybe I do, who knows), but once in a while it would be nice just to have someone to bounce those thoughts off of and see if there are any ways to avoid them in the future. Do I get sad when I'm like that? Of course I do. Who wouldn't be sad surrounded by your closest friends and not being able to tell them how you feel? The hard part is that they KNOW when you're having an off day. They know and they call you out time and time again and you have to keep a straight face and smile through it. There are just things I don't discuss with them and they have to be ok with that. It's part of who I am and it's part of being in my circle of friends and if you don't like it, go fuck yourself. When I need to talk, I'll come find you.
You know, can't I have a bad day once in a while? Can't I feel down sometimes for no important reason? Can't I be sad too? Maybe I have stuff going on that I don't want to burden others with because it's just not their battle to fight. Maybe I don't feel well but I still feel the need to be social and have people around me. Some nights I really just don't want to look at people at all but I do because the alternative for me is isolation and too much of that isn't good. So, I keep that shit inside and just let it sit. I probably deserve it for something and I'm ok with that. I'm not gonna hang myself in my closet. If I truly feel like that, I know who to call and where to go. Mama didn't raise no dummy.
I got angry with one of my friends last night when the questions just wouldn't stop. After the first few instances of just keeping silent and shaking my head 'no' a few times, it only got worse. Someone else would show up and I'd get called out one more time for being fussy britches. You know what? I can be fussy britches if I goddamn want to. I can be crabby too, so piss off. The final time there was a comment made I just looked at this person with half my angry face on and said "DROP IT." I think they got the hint after that. I don't get angry like that very often, but when I do, people notice and correct their course because it could get a lot worse real fast if they don't. Temper and all, you know.
I love my friends...all of them. I'm grateful to have each and every one of them in my life and without them all acting as a kind of single entity, my life would not be the same. They're all important to me as a separate person as well; they each have their own place in my life (some I've figured out, some I haven't) and I'm very thankful for that.
I've learned I can still make *new* friends, too. One in particular is kind of an unorthodox relationship. Young in numbers but aged beyond years with wisdom, compassion, and warmth. Did I get attached too early, as I've been known to do in the past? Nope. Not with this one. They're one of those people who you just sit down with and look at them and think to yourself "Glad you finally got here...I've missed you." It's very endearing to have someone enjoy your presence and smile when they see you, and to hear them say that they feel safe when you're around because they know I wouldn't let anything happen to them. It feels good to be thought of like that, you know? That's pretty goddamn cool if you ask me.
Anyhoo...that's all I got. I vent here sometimes because it's a little more...shall I say intimate, for lack of a better word...than other social media. I can speak my mind here, for the most part. There are still some walls up that won't come down easy, but all in good time and to those who are deserving of seeing what's on the other side.
