It's been a good run...really, it has.

This will be my last blog entry...for quite a while, anyways. I had quite a few things planned for this space, but for now...those plans are put on hold. Hopefully not permanently, but for now...that's just how it has to be. My blog has provided me with some much-needed therapy that has helped me out quite a bit since its inception. However, I've gotten as much help from it as I'm going to get right now and the time has come for me to explore other avenues of self healing. What those avenues are...I truly have no idea yet. All I know is that it isn't this anymore and that things are moving in other directions in my life right now that don't allow for such trivialities. Someday...possibly...I may write again. But for now...this is it.

The last year of my life has been a veritable roller coaster of emotions...good times, bad times, and the gamut of every emotion in between. I've lost friends, given up friends, made new ones, and rekindled old friendships that I thought were long since gone which have flourished and grown into very special and valued relationships. Throughout this time, I've done a lot of thinking. Thinking about who I am, where I've been, where I am now, and where I'm going in the future. I'll never be a lot of things that I've always wanted to be...musician, photographer, athlete, adventurer...the list goes on and on. Things that yes, I have a little experience in and truly enjoy doing, but however, I lack the proper drive and the ambition to fulfill any of those dreams to the best of my ability. I get discouraged very easily and I give up on things that I would probably be very good at and could possibly enjoy doing for a long time. And it's not because I don't know how to do things...I don't want to challenge myself. If I put as much effort into learning how to do productive things with my life as I did with things that bring negative consequences upon myself...I'd be one of the greatest men who ever lived, no doubt about it. As you can tell, that effort hasn't yet been put forth.

I am now, and have been in the past, many other things, however. Son, father, uncle, nephew, husband, boyfriend, among others. None of which I do or did very well, I might add. Nothing worth writing home about, anyways. I've learned a lot in these roles over the years, but as of now, most of it does not apply to my current situation. I live on my own...I am better off that way. By doing so, I cannot infect anyone with my toxicity. It's not like I'm contagious with anything...nothing of the sort. I don't have the gout or polio or anything like that. I'm a very, VERY difficult person to live with as I've proven time and time again. I do many things a certain way and I have no reason for it other than that's just how I do them and therefore that's the ONLY way to do them. Folding towels...doing the dishes...pouring coffee...they all must be done a very specific way and if not...well, if you can't do it my way, don't do it at all. Stay the holy hell out of my way and let me do it and listen to me piss and moan about it the whole time. Heaven forbid there be a disagreement...mayhem will commence shortly thereafter.

And as I got sidetracked there...allow me to bring myself back to the task at hand. I need to get some things off my chest and then I'll quit, I promise. I've heard quite a few times over the years that I help people. I think that's cool and all...it's nice to help other people. It's both beneficial and therapeutic, I believe. Sometimes it's a difficult process, but for the most part, helping people is good and that's just the way it is. I've learned a lot by helping others. It's shown me how to live a life that I wouldn't normally live had I not been shown by others.

But I don't.

I don't follow advice very well at all, and people get hurt in the process, sometimes very badly...myself included. It shows in EVERY. SINGLE. ASPECT. of my life as of late. I then, in turn, take my anger and aggression out on others who deserve absolutely zero part of that side of me whatsoever. I feel kinda bad about that...well, no. I don't. I've grown cold. Colder than I ever used to be at any point in my life and I'm ok with that. I feel empty and cold and cruel and heartless inside and I feel absolutely no remorse or regret about that in the least little bit.

Over the years I've learned how to love and be compassionate, and how to show people empathy and also how to be caring. I've also learned how to be angry, spiteful, and how to instill fear and dread in people. The emotion I've learned that has caused the most impact on my well-being is hate. I've learned how to hate. Not only have I learned it...I've nurtured it, loved it, and allowed it to grow and flourish inside me. I don't discriminate when it comes to hate. I can hate just about as easy as it is to sharpen a pencil. I know, I know...hate is such a strong word. Well, yeah...it is. That's an old cliche that I don't subscribe to, and to be honest, I think it's horseshit. Hate is no stronger than the equalized feeling of love that the guy sitting across the way from me in the coffee shop feels. There are many things I hate...things and places and of course, people. I said it...there are people in this world whom I actually feel HATE towards. Some for no reason other than I can. Some have done things or said things to me that in my opinion, warrant such an emotion. Yes, I hate people...I say that freely. Not all of them...just some. Call me what you will...It's all good. I've been called worse, I guarantee you that.

Life has taken its toll on me and it shows. It shows to me and to others. I have loved and been burned once too many...time does not heal some wounds. I now live my life how I want to live it. I do what I want when I want, I come and go as I please and I say what I feel to whomever it needs to be said to. Some people find that offensive...some find it refreshing. Either way is ok with me. My life...the life I've chosen for myself because in all honesty, the life I feel I deserve...it revolves around anger, despair, hypocrisy, deceit, contempt, misery, and yes...hate.

Out.

Adieu...

Not long ago...fairly recently, actually...you were my friend. After many years, we were brought together by a common bond that made us almost inseparable. I grew to love you very dearly...the kind of love you normally reserve only for family. We were as close as two people could be and I loved that relationship we had. There were many nights of deep conversation about anything and everything under the sun, countless fits of hysterical laughter, as well as grueling bouts of pain and agony accompanied by the kind of crying that comes from deep inside you...the kind that makes you think life as you know it will end that very minute.

All of a sudden...almost overnight...it was over. No explanation, no apologies...nothing. Maybe you healed yourself from within of whatever was ailing you, maybe you found another type of therapy...who knows. I didn't heal as quickly or as easily. My pain lingered on and on and on. I needed you more than I needed anyone on this earth and I still do. You are the only one who would understand me...the ONLY one who could comfort me in this time when I need someone so desperately. While you were in pain, I held you while you sobbed and wept uncontrollably and literally could not stand on your own two feet. I held you in my arms and choked back my own goddamn tears to be strong for you. I did that because I love you like you were my own family and I still do even though I know your feelings have faded. Maybe I failed you in some way...but I don't think so. This one's on you, I'm pretty sure.

Now...I need someone. I need someone to hold me up and I need a shoulder to rest my head on while I weep. I need someone to be strong for me and you're not there. I'm in pain and it hurts like hell and you're not fucking here. I was there for you every GODDAMN time you needed me and I was there for you when nobody else was. I listened to you while you cried and I made myself available for you at a moment's notice. You're not here for me and it kills me that the ONE person I need is no longer there.

I need to move on. I now need to deal with my life without you. Without someone to run to, to cry with, or to comfort me. Every day that I wonder why...I grow a little colder inside. I feel a little more angry than I did the day before. I hurt a little bit more every day that I wonder why you abandoned me when I needed you the most.

I wish you the best of luck in finding whatever it is you're looking for.

Goodbye.